Holiday spirit....

A letter to Rudolph...

AN OPEN LETTER TO RUDOLPH
THE RED-NOSED REINDEER.

December 7, 2005

Dear Rudolph,

Oh, Rudolph, where to begin? I've loved you since I was a child, and I can no longer stand back and be a passive observer in what clearly amounts to a serious self-esteem problem on your part. A true friend steps in and tries to help another friend in need. Friends don't let friends drive a sleigh for a petty, cranky, two-faced jackass, even if he is Santa Claus.

When Santa came over to you that foggy Christmas Eve and asked, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?," I couldn't wait for the part where you'd tell Santa to stick it up his ass, and run off with Hermey to open a thriving dental practice on the Island of Misfit Toys. So what if Christmas got canceled that year and all the little boys and girls all over the world would wake up to empty stockings by the fireplace. You needed to teach Santa a lesson in how to treat people.

However, you didn't do that. Instead, to my shock, you were happy that Santa asked you to guide his sleigh! You said, "Sure, I'll guide your sleigh! I'd be thrilled to!" Then off you went with that creep, who up until then had treated you like you were the bastard child of the Elephant Man.

What gives?

Rudolph, my friend, do you know what it means to be used?

Have you forgotten how, from the moment you were born, Santa was totally freaked out by your nose and let it be known that you would never join his flying reindeer team with that glaring red beak of yours? Have you forgotten the rejection by your own father, Donner, who forced you to cover your nose in black dirt just to please Santa? Have you forgotten how the public humiliation and rejection in Santa's Village was so enormous that you felt it necessary to leave town altogether? Do you really want to be on a flying reindeer team full of a bunch of jock assholes who teased you mercilessly and refused to let you join in any reindeer games?

Let me tell you something, Rudolph. Your red nose is beautiful. It is what makes you unique, what sets you apart from the others. You are better than all of them. Santa should have known that. He should have stood up for you right away and championed your individuality from the get-go. What kind of a leader wants all of his employees to be exactly the same? Cookie-cutter replicas of each other, blending into the soulless void of nondescript North Pole totalitarianism?

Sure, Santa was all nice that foggy Christmas Eve, but Santa is not your friend. Santa was just kissing up to you so that you could bail him out of a tough situation. Screw him! He will just use you and throw you away. Please, Rudolph, think twice before doing another favor for Santa. Think about this: If you rearrange the letters in "Santa," what do you get? I don't think that's an accident.

Your true friend,
A.F. Passafiume

- - - -

...courtesy of McSweeney's

Do yourself a favor...

I decided tonight to watch one of my favorite movies of all time. The title is "Beautiful Girls", and no it is not that kind of movie. It tells the story of a guy going back to his home town for a high school reunion, and the events of the town. It's hard to say what I really like about the movie. I think because it is endlessly quotable, and the characters are all well defined. They are also likeable because they never act like someone they are not, they're consistent.

Free Preview:
A great scene in the movie is one where Paul has decided that because Jan his girlfriend of seven years has decided to move on and date a butcher (Jan's a vegetarian, do you see the hypocrisy in that Will?) he will plow her driveway, except his method is to push all of the snow in the driveway in front of the garage door, rather than out to the street. All this while listening to "The Break Up Song" by Greg Kihn (uh-uh-uhhhh-uh-uh-uhh-uhh-uhhhh).

Do yourself a favor and rent it soon, or I'll loan it to you as long as you promise me your first born.

Too tired to care.

I've spent the last three days keeping business and offices parks safe by applying salt to the parking lots. At the end of my time apprx. 3:30 am yesterday I was on my way home and realized in those three days i had consumed 10 Chicken Nuggets, a bowl of cereal, a coke, a bottle of water, and a few handfuls of Chex Mix. Dang, i was hungry. I exited I-35 and headed East. On my right was a McDonalds. I, in my delirious state, felt like a sausage mcmuffin w/ egg would be a great idea, and with the drive thru open 24 hrs in I rolled and placed my order. "Sir, we don't start serving breakfast until 4am." The order box voice said. WHAT THE HECK??? It's 3:40! You're not doing anything. I'm probably the first customer you've had since 12:45, and you're willing to sacrifice sticking some fake eggs, and sausage in the microwave so you can sweep the floor again, or sit on your butt for another 3 hrs until normal people are up? I even tried the ol' Tommy Boy, 'are you sure you can't make me one?' no luck there. She asked if i wanted something else. Obviously not. If I'd wanted something else I would have ordered it in the first place. If you happen to run into Ronald McDonald in the coming days, weeks, and months tell him he should let people eat breakfast anytime after midnight at his restaurants.

Prince Begins Purple Reign at K-State

Virginia offensive coordinator Ron Prince was hired as the 33rd head coach of the Kansas State Wildcats today.

Full story here.

I can't wait for his new album.

Christmas in a Cup

Normally I'd wait until I was in the comfort of my own home to share something so intimate, but I am compelled by a force greater than my own soul to share with you the joy I am experiencing this morning. I stop at a place called PT's coffee every morning for a cup of joe, but this morning I was met by a cup of inspiration. Each day they offer 5 separate coffees for purchase at the rock bottom price of $1 for 16oz. Today I placed my dollar in the jar, and my ROI was phenomenal. The flavored coffee of the day was called....Christmas in a Cup. I tried not to get too excited, expecting a Starbucks Holiday-type blend. Instead my lips were met with.....Actually there are no words to describe how delicious this blend is so I am forced to make one up, and will do so now. Deliterumtous (dee-li-ter-um-shus). Do yourself a favor. That's all I'm sayin'.